4C, 4 Momma, 4D, 4A, and 4B

4C, 4 Momma, 4D, 4A, and 4B
Most of the Four me (and you) fam

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Haitus ends

I suppose you thought that I'd forgotten about you. Not so, my friend.

As you remember, I elected to take a break during Lent. Time to recharge with my family, dig us out of our mess, slow down and reconnect. It worked beautifully. So beautifully, in fact, that for now I'm preferring to continue on that path.

I know the blog serves a very valid purpose, and I've gotten feedback of how much it helps folks. I LOVE that, having once been in a place where I needed that help and had no where to get it. Not to date our spectrum experience, but "nowadays" there are a plethora of blog and parent resources...so many, in fact, that ours seems redundant (to me).

And, the autism blogosphere is really now pretty well codified. I feel/fear that there's not much more for me to contribute. However, there is a dearth of resources out there for families of high-functioning girls. I suppose that's the weight I can add to the now well-oiled machine.

The blog is very easy to write. I love my Aspie. I am blessed by autism. It has improved my life. I love my NT children, too. They have blessed my life. It's easy for me to relay that love to you, explaining our struggles and our joys. That is no problem (although finding time to write can be tough).

But, on some level, the blog is also painstaking to write. It delves up a lot of past history that can, at times, be hard to go back to...times and places and parts of our journey that I'm happy are closed...it hurts to reopen them.

There is also the issue of its public nature. Anyone and everyone can read it...even folks that I wish couldn't. And, while I know it's helpful for you for me to describe what happens at school, we are still living there in real time. There is a very fine line between giving you tools for your own experience and protecting the privacy and amicability of ours. I'm not sure how well I walk that line, frankly.

So, I plan to amble through and continue but on a somewhat different plane than before my hiatus. Before the hiatus, I think I felt like I had something to prove. So much of what I read in the autism blogosphere isn't accurate or fully descriptive as to our experience. I guess I felt somehow like I had to prove that ours, too, was real. Ridiculous but honest. I fear that in the process, I may have inadvertently stomped too hard on some issues that I really have no business trying to prove. I owe an apology, and I will send it post haste.

I think I also was feeling somewhat like a know-it-all. We have lived those early stages of the journey and survived them. I was feeling powerful in that regard. I lost sight of the fact that although I have lived and learned those portions, I have not lived or learned the whole thing. And, most importantly, that journey and the presentation of autism is one's life is always, always different. That is okay. It doesn't make my experience less valid. Even though our experience doesn't seem like it fits when I read descriptions of high-functioning boys, I know that our Aspie has autism and that our experience is real. Talking with moms of other high-functioning girls solidifies that.

I also live and breathe autism every single moment of every single day. There are days, times, moments, weeks when I want a break from autism. The blog (and my feeling of obligation to it) was making that hard. I think that "hard" was because I felt such a burden to PROVE. I have relieved myself of said burden. Officially. (I hope) completely.

I love being a mom, especially the mom of an Aspie. I will do my best to continue to keep it real but, perhaps, on a smaller or less intense field.

I have missed you, my friend. Looking forward to getting back on track with you.